Why Tell? Telling Is Healthy

In addition to open and honest communication, telling your child about donor conception:

• Establishes trustworthiness
• Supports the attachment process
• Fosters healthy development
• Models honesty at an early age establishes a foundation of trust from the beginning

Experts Say Disclose

Most experts in the field of reproductive technology, including me, agree that parents should tell their child about their conception story and genetic origins. The field of reproduction calls this topic disclosure—to disclose is to make known or reveal or uncover a secret.

ASRM Ethics Committee Opinion

Reproductive procedures are private matters, and assisted conception is easy to initially keep a secret. Disclosure is the choice to reveal the medical treatment to your child and others. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) ethics committee has published several articles about disclosure and acknowledges the “psychosocial, emotional and ethical complexities of third-party reproduction.” The ASRM states: “While ultimately the choice of the recipient (intended) parent, disclosure to donor-conceived persons of the use of donor gametes or embryos in their conception is strongly encouraged.” The group claims that disclosing to your child protects your family in the long term from secrets that can feel like betrayal. The group explains that open and honest communication is important and that secrets can strain family relationships and create lifelong tensions among people who know about the conception.

Trust

If your children learn trust from you, they are more likely to be able to trust others and trust their place in the world. Trust is an important virtue for healthy, romantic relationships and friendships to flourish in adulthood. Trust is also an important aspect of the parent-child attachment process.

Attachment

Parent-child attachment has been studied extensively, and studies show that childhood problems with attachment can make it more difficult for those individuals to establish and maintain trusting relationships with others in adulthood. On the other hand, secure parent-child attachments encourage future trust in relationships. Early studies of families who told their children about donor conception show an increase in positive feelings around motherhood and lower feelings of distress. In general, parents feel more secure when they see that their role as a parent is not diminished by the knowledge of a genetic difference. In the case where a parent has negative feelings about disclosure, even after telling the child, I recommend they seek professional counseling.

Identity Development

Establishing a foundation of positive and trusting feelings makes parenting easier in all stages of your child’s development, especially during adolescence. Adolescence can be a more difficult time for families, and it is a crucial time for you to help foster your child’s identity development. Self-knowledge is an important aspect of identity achievement in adolescence. As a child explores the question of “Who am I?” discussing donor conception with your child will help them resolve how being donor conceived relates to their overall sense of themselves. By openly talking to your child about his genetic traits, you will help him understand all aspects of his personality and traits.

Long-term Relationship

Your relationship with your child does not end in adolescence. The end of adolescence marks the beginning of a lifetime relationship with your adult child. I encourage parents to think about what their child will be like as an adult. It may be easy to keep information a secret from children, but it is much harder to do so in adulthood. Across the life-span, you will spend more time in an adult-to-adult relationship with your child. Donor-conceived adults often learn about their conception when they face a health problem. Your lifetime relationship will benefit by establishing a solid foundation of honesty and trust in your child’s growing years.

Lesson Summary

Disclosing to your child about their donor conception is important for healthy, thriving relationships. Telling will set a foundation of trust through open and honest communication and establish a secure parent-child attachment. Disclosures also help children develop their identity as they learn all aspects that make them who they are, setting them up for healthy relationships in their future. Experts agree that disclosure is an important step for couples who conceive through donor technology, and the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) "strongly encourages" such conversations. By setting this example, parents can establish a strong bond with their child that will extend into adulthood and provide them with guidance and trust into the future.

• Open and honest communication establishes a foundation of trust from the beginning
• Disclosure supports the attachment process and models honesty from an early age
• Helps foster identity development as the child learns all aspects of their personality
• Encourages children to have healthy relationships in adulthood and trust in others