Learning: Secrets Don't Work
Secrets Aren’t the Best Protection
Genetic secrets can't be kept
Parents who want to keep donation conception a secret are usually trying to protect their child from emotional and relationship distress, but secrets are no guarantee of protection. In fact, the ASRM states that for the long-term protection of your family, you should disclose donor conception to your child. Just as anonymity is hard to protect for a lifetime, genetic information is hard to keep secret for a lifetime. A study in the Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology in 2022, found that most donor conceived people who found out about their conception from someone other than a parent, had worse emotional well-being and family relations (Glidden, 2022). Your child may develop a health issue or disease that requires you to investigate his genetic background. Your child may want to take a DNA ancestry test out of curiosity, or your child may be contacted by a half-sibling through a national registry. It’s also difficult to keep a secret contained if you have told even one friend or family member.
Secrets aren't really secret
Even if you have kept the secret to yourself and never told another person, the information can grow burdensome to you over time, and children often sense there is a family secret. Children who are not told about their genetic differences may be confused by the fact that they don’t look like one of their parents. They may assume that there is a hidden reason and wonder if there are shameful family secrets about their past. This uncertainty and mystery can be difficult for children. Developmental psychologists describes this sixth sense in children as the “unthought known.”
Secrets don't protect
Secrets are not the best way to protect your child from emotional distress because they often carry disturbing feelings of fear and shame that your child may sense and internalize. The secret keeper believes that revealing the secret would have a high cost if someone else found out, so the secret must be contained. While attempting to contain a secret, the secret keeper may develop deceptive behaviors that damage trust and shut down communication. Mistrust and miscommunication cause relationships to break down over time.
Carl Jung, a psychotherapist, believed that “the possession of secrets acts like a psychic poison that alienates their possessor from the community.” For parents, this feeling of social alienation often begins during infertility and may continue into family and social life.
"I don't think my family will understand."
Some families keep donor conception a secret because they are afraid of disapproval from family members or friends, but not telling can cause other types of relationship strain. In their publication about disclosure, the ASRM states that secrets create strain and tension among family members. For example, if certain family members know the secret and others don’t, their suspicions may develop, and conversations may become limited among family. In this case, parents may fear that a family member will tell their child before they do.
Secrets damage trust
Omitting important information about your child’s identity could damage trust if your child finds out unexpectedly. Reports from the donor-conceived community reveal that many children who find out the news in unexpected ways feel betrayed. Betrayal is a severe break in trust, and amends must be made to be able to repair a relationship with someone you betrayed. Children wonder why their parents did not tell them sooner and may assume negative reasons. In this case, keeping a secret wouldn’t protect your child from the negative feelings of being donor conceived but might likely add more negativity. I suggest families seek counseling to address feelings of betrayal, shock, or confusion if a child found out in an unexpected way.
Gaining confidence take time
Most intended parents realize that their child’s knowledge about their donor won’t diminish their genuine parent relationship and feel more confident in having control of their family narrative. After reading stories of successful donor-conceived families, I hope you will feel empowered and equipped to handle any challenges that come your way.